You are how you feed

Cathryn brought me Skyline Chili when she returned from her Dayton visit. I guess it was my consolation prize for holding down the fort while she was away. It was nice of her and I was happy to eat it. I could go into the details of Skyline Chili, about its regional greatness, the fact that you can have it in five different “ways,” etc., but in the end it is just food. I eats it, I poops it. It just isn’t that exciting. Don’t misunderstand, I like good tasting food and Cathryn is an excellent cook, but I never think or care about food until I am hungry--If you ask me how my vacation was, I won’t tell you about the food I ate; I don’t understand the word “epicurean”; And food commercials have virtually no affect on me (unless it is the deeply provocative “Mini Sirloin Burgers” ad campaign: Herdin’ cows the size of schnauzers? But they're cattle? Incredbile!).

I don’t mean to say that I haven’t been influenced by the well-known phrase: “You are what you eat.” For example, to prove I am an Ohioan, I eat Skyline Chili. To prove that I am unique, special, or novel, I eat novelty foods like Deep Fried (insert dumb food) and Turducken. Eating something to become something extends back to my childhood when my mom made the following argument at dinner: Ninjas eat rice. Q.E.D. I should eat rice. In fact, I am still trying to figure out what food I would have to eat to prove to the world that I am a refined intellectual with + 25 charisma. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can only be found in a farmer’s market and is described by the words “open raised,” “wild sea bass,” “heirloom,” “organic,” or “whole.” But in the end, eating a Skyline Mini Sirloin Deep Fried Heirloom Turducken is equivalent to eating a ham and cheese sandwich: open mouth, insert food, chew, swallow. Because of my views on food, I have always been more concerned with the lesser known phrase: “You are how you eat.”

When I was a freshman at BYU, I became very interested in survival bars that had all the calories you needed in a day. I thought I could eat one of those bars in the morning and forget about eating for the rest of the day. My dream evolved into intravenous nourishment. To date, the most progress I have made toward my dream has been the smoothie. Every morning I drink a spinach, blueberry, banana, yogurt, and orange juice smoothie. I no longer have to chew and I have reduced my food delivery system from four tools (fork, spoon, peel, and cup) to one tool (cup.) This pleases me. But now that I am a parent, I am becoming even more concerned about the even lesser known phrase: “You are how you feed.”

I have noticed that while feeding Willa, I involuntarily open my mouth and curl my lips back as I present her a spoonful of mush. Lest you think that this is a Babkin Palmomental Reflex resulting from some unresolved frustration I had as a child, consider the fact that Cathryn also does this. I don’t think she notices it and I haven’t pointed it out yet because it is so shocking. I love my wife. I think she is beautiful. But when she feeds Willa, an inner monster surfaces and she curls her lips back and bares her teeth like Mr. Hyde. I considered taking a picture but such things are better left unrecorded.

Now that I know I involuntarily bare my teeth to Willa, I make an extra effort to relax my mouth and maintain my natural and neutral mien. I am not so worried about frightening Willa as I am about coddling Willa’s social intelligence development. I define social intelligence as the ability to accurately discern the hopes/thoughts/feelings/etc. of others through social interaction. In helping Willa develop her social intelligence, I try to measure out the exact amount of emotion warranted for the situation and then subtract 10 emotional units. Because she will have to pay closer attention to facial cues, she will be more skilled at reading people’s faces. It is kind of like teaching your kid to read a book by subtracting 10 words from every paragraph. Not only will Willa be a great book reader, but she will be a great face reader!  Thus, when I feed Willa, I have to suppress Mr. Hyde so that Willa can learn to discern his presence without any facial evidence. It’s like I always say, “Give a Willa emotion while feeding, and you stunt her growth for days. Teach a Willa no emotion while feeding, and you prepare her for life.”