Come inside, it's fun inside!

My mom got Willa this Mickey Mouse Clubhouse book that also has a little playmat and Disney figures to play with. It has been the most incredible hit toy of all hit toys. Willa wakes up in the morning and naps with the words, "Play with Mickey?" She has even been turning down multiple park trips so that she can play. This morning there was a hot air balloon festival a few blocks away and I had to drag her away from the activity mat crying so that she could drive with Ryan to see the balloons. It's been incredibly awesome to have something totally engross her like this. I love to see the pretend play scenarios she comes up with.

Here she is playing "Road Rally" since there is a Mickey Mouse Road Rally on Netflix. We got her favorite cars and she tries to fit the figures in, by far her most favorite scenario.

 We went to our new ward's trunk-or-treat. It was awesome. Where do they get the resources and the budget? Do people kick in extra? Also, how many wards do you know that stock the buffet table with Coke and Diet Coke? June is an adorable cow (Willa's old costume) and Willa is Lambchops for the second year in a row. I've got about 2-3 inches that I can let out of pants and arms on Lambchops so I'm hoping she'll make a third appearance next year. It's just such an awesome costume and Willa was/is super excited about it this year. I wish someone would have warned me about how awesome a trunk-or-treat is with a three year old. She is excited to get the candy, but hasn't made the connection that the candy is at home, so I get to enjoy most of it by myself. And this ward had good candy...

 We were itching to get out this afternoon, so we decided to go to Red Rock. It's only about 20 minutes from doorstep to this, amazing. We ended up getting an annual pass. It was only $30 and will be well worth all the adventures we plan on having. We felt so rejuvenated being in such a beautiful place and can't believe we live so close to it.

Willa totally freaked me out in this photo. I told her to be careful and go hold Daddy's hand for a picture. She was careful but step to the very edge of this very high rock! Reminded me of some home movies of when I was at harp institute in the summer in St. George. My mom would be with me at classes and my dad would have the three youngest kids in Zion's and there are videos of him just walking nonchalantly around while the very young children run like crazy around very steep precipices.

Home Means Nevada

You can ignore the "Vote Harry Reid"  on the video, but I do love this song. I have been in Las Vegas for just over a week and I love it here. There is such a stark difference between our move to Houston and the move to Las Vegas. It reinforces our feelings that we were not supposed to be in Houston and we are supposed to be here. It's incredible to just be happy and feel glad to be somewhere instead of feeling constant dread in the pit of your stomach and wondering how you can get out and what you're future holds. In Houston, our future just looked negative. Here, everything is positive.

We love the desert landscape, we love the mountains all around, we love the well-organized streets, the many parks, the wonderful dry air. We were at a park yesterday and someone was wearing clothes that we thought were pretty cool. What a foreign feeling to see people who actually dress up and actually care about getting ready in the morning - and look good!

We found out yesterday that Ryan passed the Nevada bar. It is a big relief and we are just excited to be here and to stay for a while. He worked so hard studying and the mental effort to work through the PTSD from the last bar exam while studying at home with two loud children was amazing. It hasn't been a pleasant road for him, but he has done so well.

Everything about coming here has been easier and better than going to Texas. When Ryan got here with the moving truck, the welcome wagon had the truck unloaded in less than an hour. Every other move he has had to do the whole thing basically by himself. It certainly has put a good taste in our mouth. This Friday is Nevada Day. Right now, for me, home means Nevada and I couldn't be happier about it.
**Also, thanks to my friend Maria, I think she introduced me to this video.

Willa Turns 3!

Willa's third birthday was on Monday. We decided to celebrate with my family two days early on Saturday so that she could have cousins and have an actual little party. We're going to do a little cake this weekend in Las Vegas with Ryan and Rebecca and Brandon. Also, I uploaded a few videos here but they're not working. I need to work on that, but I don't have the mental energy right now.

We talked about her party for the week leading up to it, and Willa was very excited. She would break out into singing, "Happy Birthday to me" and then we would list everything that we were going to do at the party:

- Get birthday balloons - an obsession these days, have you ever seen the Little Einsteins where Annie gets birthday balloons? I have, about 100 times.
- Get a cake
- Sing Happy Birthday
- Blow out candles
- Have cousins over
- Open presents

We talked about it over and over again and she was incredibly excited, it was very cute. I partly wanted to do a birthday cake in Centerville because I have fond memories of going to Dick's Marketplace and looking through of big book of possible cake designs to pick my very special cake. Dick's was awesome then and it's even improved it's game now. Has anyone ever been to Dick's bakery? Yum.

Here is a picture of the cake. When we picked it up and opened the lid to show her, she gave this sharp intake of breath, "Ahhh!", put her hands to her mouth, and leaned closer to try and sneak a lick. It was absolute, uninhibited delight.

For the party we sang and did the actions to Ring Around the Rosy, London Bridge, Head Shoulders Knees, and Toes, and If You're Happy and You Know it. I felt a little silly, because most of us were adults or teenage cousins doing it, but she had this cute smile and loved it. I really didn't want to do an over the top party that she wouldn't understand, so I'm glad that even though I felt silly, it was a party on her level just for her.

Willa had a great time, we opened presents and as we unwrapped each one she would say, "Tada!" It was very enjoyable until my mom wrapped a plastic fishing pole that she picked up from the dollar store. She brought an identical one down to Texas a few months ago where it immediately broke and I threw it away on the sly. Now we have a brand new one and it totally captivated Willa's attention away from all other presents. Counting down until I can throw it away again. Thanks mom.

The funny/sad part of the party was blowing out the candles on the cake. Willa's little personality came shining through. She is a very cautious and shy child. She observes for a long time before she feels comfortable and she gets embarrassed easily. I totally understand because she's exactly how I was. I hated attention on me in formal settings - the Primary Program was the dreaded day of the year. One year I was so happy to have a seat behind the organ or somewhere where I could try to melt into the wall and have no one see me.

So, we all gathered 'round the table and sang Happy Birthday, but when it was time to blow the candles out, she was too shy! Then, she wanted us to sing again so that she could do it. Then, when it came time to blow, she was too shy again! I totally feel her pain. She had been looking forward to it so much and then was too embarrassed to actually do it. Here is a short video, it mainly shows her little personality and how she reacts. I know not to push her and that things like this are scary for her. The funny part about this was that after we blew out the candles for the second time, she leaned in and bit off the corner of the cake with her mouth. Yum!

Here are a few more pictures from the party and our Utah trip. Many, but not all, of the Knoles cousins and one adorable Slate Daniels on the bottom left.

Willa and Brody.

Willa loves to sing if you can catch her in the right mood. We got some adorable videos of her standing on a little step stool in the living room and singing perfectly on pitch and with the correct words as my mom accompanied her on the piano. She loved to sing ABCs, Twinkle, London Bridge, and I Am a Child of God.

This video is when she decided to accompany herself to I am a Child of God. She gets distracted and starts being silly, then she gets mad at us for singing along. It's definitely not the most complete recording of her singing, but it shows her personality. "No singing with me!"

Willa is still being very smart. She knows all her letters, numbers, colors, shapes, and it starting to sound out the letters. "D makes the Da sound" - but that is really only after we've been talking about it, or... watching Leapfrog on Netflix when they talk about the alphabet. Willa can trace her own name almost perfectly. I need to find a picture to upload. She was at preschool and they wrote the children's names with a highlighter, then helped the children trace over it with a pen. By the time they got to Willa, after helping the other children, she had already done it. And she did a GREAT job! It must help that most of the letters in her name are made of up straight lines :). Still, I am extremely proud of her, especially since we had never worked on it before. Now I know that we can work on it and I want to start tracing more letters. You have to catch her in the right mood, though.

Willa and I are butting heads a lot these days. I wonder if it's because she's so shy and quiet at playgroups or nursery that when she gets home she finally feels comfortable and has to blow off a little steam. I don't know, all I know is that she pushes my buttons. I didn't know that I had buttons, I'm not sure where they are, but they are getting pushed. Someone, help me get rid of these nefarious buttons! She loves to hug and snuggle me and hold my hand whenever it's not convenient and refuses to do so when it is. I'm hoping that things taper off a little more by 3 1/2, but I don't know. She still tolerates June, with occasional bursts of glorious sunshine when she acknowledges her existence in a positive manner or attempts to play with her or give her a toy. Most of her interaction with June is yelling at her, "No crying!" "No hitting/kicking mommy!" "Mommy, give June to Daddy!" I think the oldest child is always just going to demand more than the younger children. I'm not sure what to do about it. There's probably nothing to do about it but resign yourself, hope the younger children aren't scarred, and then eat a large bowl of ice cream once they are finally in bed.

We took the side off of Willa's crib and made it into a toddler bed a few weeks ago. She has never tried to climb out, but she is slowly weaning herself off her naps. Occasionally, she will play in her bed the entire nap time instead of sleeping. I felt bad that she was trapped in her crib and thought that if she wanted to play, I would give her the option of having access to her toys. If she phases out naps, fine, but she still has to go in her room so I can have a break. We've watched too much "Bedtime for Frances" though, and now when she goes to bed she says, "No getting out of bed!" Whenever I get her up, I find her in bed just talking to herself. So I don't think the message has gotten across to her that we are okay with her getting out... and I probably won't bring it up to her. She is thrilled to have it open, though.

That's our three-year-old. I sure love Willa, but these days are trying times. I feel like I only read happy accounts of angel toddlers who love to play and do what their mommies ask, and who love their new siblings. I wanted to keep it real. These terrific twos have been a bit terrible at times.

Daniel Tiger

Wow, I must feel really contemplative lately! One of Willa's shows these days is Daniel Tiger. It is probably my very favorite show for her to watch, too. Does anyone remember Mister Rogers Neighborhood? This show is an animated continuation of that world.

The music and the characters are very nostalgic to me. Things I never would have remembered - King Friday, Lady Elaine, Mr. McFeely. And the songs! I can't believe that the songs are still familiar 25 + years later.

So, I love it because it brings back so many memories. I also love it because I feel like it is the best preschool/toddler show out there. It deals with their feelings - disappointments, joys - so well. There is this episode about sharing toys. Someone took a toy that someone else wanted and they had to sort it all out. The adult said, "I can tell that you're mad MAD!" It was totally out of the book "Happiest Toddler On The Block" and it was totally age appropriate. Willa understands those feelings and I like that she can watch something that reflects her world and shows her possible solutions. I'm probably shamefully showing how much television Willa gets, which is more than she should have, but this show makes me so happy. There is another episode about being potty-trained and they start singing a song about going to the potty and stopping playing. Again, it is exactly what Willa experiences every day with her friends. Willa is such a cautious child so I think the show actually helps her process things that happen elsewhere and maybe prepare herself better when someone steals a toy from her or when she and a friend want to play together but can't agree on what to play.

Lastly, and I know this is weird, but I have so much admiration and love for Fred Rogers. The more I watch the show and the more I remember about Mister Rogers Neighborhood, I just realize what a wonderful person he was. He did amazing things and he loved children so much. I feel very corny admitting all of this, but at the same time I really feel strongly that he was inspired and that he has done so much good in the world for children.

An Addendum

It's been on my mind again how important it is to read good literature. We can learn not only many facts through books, but also gain much insight into human nature and psychology. Reading challenges our ideas and makes our minds stronger. For me, reading "The Sun Also Rises" was a perfect example of being challenged by the literature and then learning and growing from it.

I've mentioned it before, but I hate hate HATE book snobs. Especially the people who claim that they are so busy that they only have time for non-fiction. What is that supposed to mean? What do they expect to gain by reading non-fiction? Are they in the middle of saving the world? Is there a cancer cure that they are going to discover by connecting all their non-fiction books' dots together? Really, is another Michael Pollan book out there that is going to absolutely change everything for you if you read it?

In my opinion, a lot of non-fiction is a platform for someone to voice their opinion on something. In fact, maybe I should write a non-fiction book that is my opinion on why we shouldn't limit ourselves to non-fiction. I have nothing against non-fiction, I enjoy it at times. I just despise people who purposely read it like it's this life mission and they can't waste their time or be bothered with other books. I feel like we have so much to learn from fiction. Maybe I won't learn about bad farming practices in the United States, or be converted to eating organically from fiction - but I will learn more about humanity and empathy. I feel like I will grow more in the aspects of actually being a human by reading fiction.

In my AP US History class, we were playing some game testing our WWII trivia. I was killing it for our team. I seriously knew all the answers, and I knew that I hadn't learned these answers in class or in the textbook. One of my teammates asked how I knew some of the answers. I thought about it and realized that I had read about them in fiction books. That was one moment when I understood what people meant when they said they learned from reading. The things I learn now are probably more ephemeral than what a Victory Garden is, but I think they are just as important.

There has been some research recently that suggests that reading fiction makes us more empathetic people. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/keith-oatley/is-fiction-good-for-you_b_939121.html It refers to reading here as "deep reading". I think that this is some very interesting stuff and totally supports me in all that I'm saying because I am so smart.

Finally, I'm not a book snob. I own an embarrassing amount of LDS romance novels, even after donating boxes of them to a prison once for someone's Eagle Scout Project. (I sometimes wonder what those prisoners thought of them :). I also love Twilight and Harry Potter. I can appreciate a good story and enjoy it for what it is. It's a little embarrassing for me to admit these things, but that's exactly why I'm doing it. I don't think we should shame people about what they are reading. If you like it, read it. If it's fun, read it. You don't have to be a snooty snooty-pants about everything in life. I write on the blog about books that have made me think, but I don't want to give the impression that I only read hoity-toity books and that I'm sooo intelligent. I have a very high threshold for bad fiction.

The Lost Generation

I know that my blog posts are so boring these days. I don't often think of interesting things to write about and when I do, I never get around to writing about them. But, today I'm thinking of something interesting AND I'm writing it down. Lucky you!

I have been in this hoity-toity book club that only reads classics and was kind of ridiculous enough for Ryan and me to make fun of, but really the joke has been on me because I have actually enjoyed it! I called it the Finer Things Club (from The Office). We read only classics and the year was divided into semesters. You could submit a semester proposal and then we would vote on each proposal to decide what to read next. So, each semester (four months) had a theme and books that followed that theme. In addition, two people at each meeting gave a short 2-5 minute presentation on something interesting or historical or boring.

I like to make fun of it and all of its rules, but really, like I said, the joke is on me because it actually worked and I enjoyed it most of the time. The latest semester's theme was "The Lost Generation" and we were reading books from those authors. Our first book (and my last book, since we moved before the rest of the semester played out) was "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Heminway.

I was intrigued by the theme this time, but not over-anxious for it since I like to read happy books and I knew this would be a semester of sad/lonely books. Anyway, but this time I was prepared for the sadness and so I enjoyed the book so much more. Context is important, y'all. If you go into a Hemingway book looking for a happy ending or a nice little mental holiday, then you'll be let down. If you go into it ready to be depressed, then you can really appreciate it.

Book club on this book was really good. Sure, there was the regular inane conversation and comments, "I can't believe I wasted my time reading a book about these immoral people. These are supposed to be the good guys? It was not uplifting at all!" Yes, that conversation happened during book club.

However, we discussed the idea of the "Lost Generation" and what it means to be lost, if we could relate to the characters in the book. Again, cue inane comments by people who took this question too literally and talked about people who were lost because they drank and slept around just like the characters in the book. But, it was an intriguing question for me. In my mind, I had an illuminating thought for me.

My thought was, that we become lost when our life doesn't follow the trajectory that we had planned or expected. I think we all go through periods when we are lost, when our life doesn't make sense and we have to readjust our expectations and goals to reflect our new life. For example, for couples who haven't been able to conceive children but who always expected to have children. You feel a loss at the life you imagined you would have and what you actually do have. Or, if you planned on getting married and you are still single. Or, if you get divorced. You plan on being with your spouse with the rest of your life, but divorce happens and suddenly your life takes a completely different turn than you were expecting. You are lost for a while learning to navigate this new life. Learning contentment or anger or happiness.

I feel like you have to work through a grieving process before you can move on. You have to grieve for the life you were expecting to have, and that's okay. I think it's important to be resilient, to grieve and then to not be lost forever. A successful person and a happy person must be able to eventually find themselves and make a new life after they have been lost.

I think of the authors who fit in the Lost Generation, and the characters in "The Sun Also Rises" - coming out of World War I. Even if they hadn't been physically injured, there was such an emotional toll that they became lost. The innocent life they had imagined for themselves before the war was lost to them and they had to learn to navigate a whole new life.

A lady in our ward was at a playgroup and said something like, "Yeah, life doesn't always turn out how you expect it to." It's kind of a dumb comment because it's so obvious, but it's also something that is so hard to accept. Things don't turn out, but what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go through life bitterly thinking that you've been robbed of certain happinesses?

I was listening to an NPR about Chris Hitchens about a year ago. I don't think he's an admirable person, but his widow, or someone, was on there saying something that really stuck with me. Hitchens used to say that whatever didn't destroy him made him stronger, but then he got cancer. After that, he felt the opposite. The cancer hadn't made him stronger, he felt diminished by the cancer.

I really understand that feeling. I felt that so much during our time in Houston. I felt diminished by the trials and not strengthened. It was worrisome because I didn't want to become all shriveled and embittered from these trials we were going through, but how do you stop that from happening? Ryan and I felt so lost in Houston because our life was not turning out how we had expected or planned and we felt powerless.

Recently, I have felt very calm and peaceful. I like to think that I'm adjusting to my new life and that I'm not "lost" anymore in my expectation of a different life. I'm not sure if I did anything, or if I just needed time. Or, if we just needed a move to get us out of Houston and to have something to look forward to :).

Growing up, and even through college, my life pretty much went exactly how I had planned. In fact, I remember talking to someone during my freshmen year and saying all the things I wanted to accomplish. He kind of scoffed at me and said, "Yeah, right, you won't do all that." Well, I very pridefully DID do all that! I had a plan and I stuck to it and it worked. I think Ryan's life was the same - he was successful in what he did. It has been a huge curve ball for us to not succeed, to not have things go the way we had planned.

In reading this book, I had so much empathy for the characters. It also gave me hope in my life, that there are bumps and delays and rerouting, but we can come through it. We will be lost for a while, but we can find our new selves. We don't have to go back to our old selves. We can never do that, but we can develop a new, better self. A more knowledgeable self. A more loving and kind self. I hope we can do that.

Anyway, those are my jumbled thoughts. This was a super long post, so if you made it this far, you are a true friend.

June - 7 months

We didn't get any great seven month photos of June since we are currently in Utah and Mister Owl is in a box somewhere in Las Vegas. Still, June needs a little post about her achievements.

June is sitting up mostly well, but I like to have a pillow behind her because she's not consistently steady on her own yet. She very much likes sitting on the couch instead of the floor so that she can see all of the action. Within about a week of turning six months old, June developed a textbook case of stranger/separation anxiety. It's killing me. What happened to my super social, smiley baby? She used to play for long periods of time by herself, but now if she catches a glimpse of me walking by - thus realizing that I'm not right next to her - she becomes quite sad and agitated. If anyone else tries to hold her, including Ryan, she screams and screams. Actually, she does sometimes have a little patience with Ryan if I'm not in the room or if he's walking with her - but mostly she screams for me, especially if she sees me. Now that we are in Utah, she is stranger shy of everyone and has the loudest, shriekiest, horrific scream you can imagine. It sounds terrible and you would think she's in intense pain except for the fact that she stops immediately when I pick her up or take her from whomever is holding her.

I think she must be a little bit of a drama queen. Willa was a very even-keeled baby. She was slow with her smiles, but generally content, though she was very attached to me. June is more dramatic. Big highs and lows. Laughing and smiling and then screaming when she doesn't get what she wants. I see this with her sleeping/not sleeping, on the airplane she is much fussier in take-off and landing than Willa was, and I'm nervous to see what traits teething and illness will bring out in her. It's very amusing except when I am a little tired of holding her and would like a break to put her down. In choir practice, she got to the point where she was happier sitting by herself on the pew with a few toys than having someone besides me hold her. Silly girl.

Sleeping is going better, she can do 10-11 hours, but sometimes likes to wake up before that just to keep me on my toes. Her better sleeping is directly correlated to her new ability to successfully re-insert her fallen pacifier by herself. Her eyes are still a dark blue. I kind of think of them as the color of a stormy ocean. I have no idea what's going to happen to them. Could they still turn brown at this point? Will they lighten up? My best guess is that they are going to turn into some sort of hazel. She has killer long eyelashes, which is probably a big reason why she looks like a little doll. She still gets many many compliments from friends and strangers wherever we go. Even though she doesn't like to be held by anyone but me, she definitely loves to watch Ryan and will whip her little head around so that she can follow him with her eyes. She will just smile and smile at him until he smiles back. She also loves Willa a lot (reciprocated about 20% of the time). I hope I'm not damaging her too much by second child syndrome, but there is only so much of me to go around these days and only so many uninterrupted naps she can have before we have to go to an activity.

Solids are going... not as well as I'd hoped. I just want a nursing break but that tongue-thrust reflex is strong! I've also spoiled her by giving her yummy fruits instead of gross vegetables. She's coming around, but someone remind me about this the next time I decide that I'm too lazy to make my newborn take an occasional bottle.

We Made It!

As in, we made it out of Texas! I flew with the kids to Utah while Ryan and his parents drive the truck to Vegas. My best cousin is getting married next week, so it just seemed easier to come stay with my mom for a week instead of subjecting us and the kids to that car ride.

Ryan and I were busy busy packing and cleaning last night. We both reminisced about the last day in Los Angeles packing up the truck and cleaning. We were both heartbroken at leaving and started crying. We kept trying to stretch it out and had this feeling of dread. Next time we feel that way, we will definitely pay attention! Oh, how our feelings were different this time around. There were/are bouts of nostalgia and sentiment, but we are so so happy to be leaving. We will miss people and friends. I noticed on my last morning run yesterday how a certain mom would walk her son to the bus stop every morning. She used to carry a newborn with her, but how surprised I was recently when there was a walking toddler coming with her instead of the same tiny newborn. It's been fun to see people grow and have a rhythm and routine.

STILL, we did it! We escaped! I shed a few tears saying goodbye to friends, but none saying goodbye to Texas. In fact, when our plan started to descend into Salt Lake and I saw the mountains, I actually got teary-eyed a bit realizing that that ordeal is over. We never have to go back (not that it was torture, but you know). So hurrah! We landed safely, we made it to Utah, and I successfully juggled a toddler and a 6 month old on two planes with a layover! Rather, I should just say that the three of us survived the journey intact - which is a success in my opinion.