The Lost Generation

I know that my blog posts are so boring these days. I don't often think of interesting things to write about and when I do, I never get around to writing about them. But, today I'm thinking of something interesting AND I'm writing it down. Lucky you!

I have been in this hoity-toity book club that only reads classics and was kind of ridiculous enough for Ryan and me to make fun of, but really the joke has been on me because I have actually enjoyed it! I called it the Finer Things Club (from The Office). We read only classics and the year was divided into semesters. You could submit a semester proposal and then we would vote on each proposal to decide what to read next. So, each semester (four months) had a theme and books that followed that theme. In addition, two people at each meeting gave a short 2-5 minute presentation on something interesting or historical or boring.

I like to make fun of it and all of its rules, but really, like I said, the joke is on me because it actually worked and I enjoyed it most of the time. The latest semester's theme was "The Lost Generation" and we were reading books from those authors. Our first book (and my last book, since we moved before the rest of the semester played out) was "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Heminway.

I was intrigued by the theme this time, but not over-anxious for it since I like to read happy books and I knew this would be a semester of sad/lonely books. Anyway, but this time I was prepared for the sadness and so I enjoyed the book so much more. Context is important, y'all. If you go into a Hemingway book looking for a happy ending or a nice little mental holiday, then you'll be let down. If you go into it ready to be depressed, then you can really appreciate it.

Book club on this book was really good. Sure, there was the regular inane conversation and comments, "I can't believe I wasted my time reading a book about these immoral people. These are supposed to be the good guys? It was not uplifting at all!" Yes, that conversation happened during book club.

However, we discussed the idea of the "Lost Generation" and what it means to be lost, if we could relate to the characters in the book. Again, cue inane comments by people who took this question too literally and talked about people who were lost because they drank and slept around just like the characters in the book. But, it was an intriguing question for me. In my mind, I had an illuminating thought for me.

My thought was, that we become lost when our life doesn't follow the trajectory that we had planned or expected. I think we all go through periods when we are lost, when our life doesn't make sense and we have to readjust our expectations and goals to reflect our new life. For example, for couples who haven't been able to conceive children but who always expected to have children. You feel a loss at the life you imagined you would have and what you actually do have. Or, if you planned on getting married and you are still single. Or, if you get divorced. You plan on being with your spouse with the rest of your life, but divorce happens and suddenly your life takes a completely different turn than you were expecting. You are lost for a while learning to navigate this new life. Learning contentment or anger or happiness.

I feel like you have to work through a grieving process before you can move on. You have to grieve for the life you were expecting to have, and that's okay. I think it's important to be resilient, to grieve and then to not be lost forever. A successful person and a happy person must be able to eventually find themselves and make a new life after they have been lost.

I think of the authors who fit in the Lost Generation, and the characters in "The Sun Also Rises" - coming out of World War I. Even if they hadn't been physically injured, there was such an emotional toll that they became lost. The innocent life they had imagined for themselves before the war was lost to them and they had to learn to navigate a whole new life.

A lady in our ward was at a playgroup and said something like, "Yeah, life doesn't always turn out how you expect it to." It's kind of a dumb comment because it's so obvious, but it's also something that is so hard to accept. Things don't turn out, but what are you going to do about it? Are you going to go through life bitterly thinking that you've been robbed of certain happinesses?

I was listening to an NPR about Chris Hitchens about a year ago. I don't think he's an admirable person, but his widow, or someone, was on there saying something that really stuck with me. Hitchens used to say that whatever didn't destroy him made him stronger, but then he got cancer. After that, he felt the opposite. The cancer hadn't made him stronger, he felt diminished by the cancer.

I really understand that feeling. I felt that so much during our time in Houston. I felt diminished by the trials and not strengthened. It was worrisome because I didn't want to become all shriveled and embittered from these trials we were going through, but how do you stop that from happening? Ryan and I felt so lost in Houston because our life was not turning out how we had expected or planned and we felt powerless.

Recently, I have felt very calm and peaceful. I like to think that I'm adjusting to my new life and that I'm not "lost" anymore in my expectation of a different life. I'm not sure if I did anything, or if I just needed time. Or, if we just needed a move to get us out of Houston and to have something to look forward to :).

Growing up, and even through college, my life pretty much went exactly how I had planned. In fact, I remember talking to someone during my freshmen year and saying all the things I wanted to accomplish. He kind of scoffed at me and said, "Yeah, right, you won't do all that." Well, I very pridefully DID do all that! I had a plan and I stuck to it and it worked. I think Ryan's life was the same - he was successful in what he did. It has been a huge curve ball for us to not succeed, to not have things go the way we had planned.

In reading this book, I had so much empathy for the characters. It also gave me hope in my life, that there are bumps and delays and rerouting, but we can come through it. We will be lost for a while, but we can find our new selves. We don't have to go back to our old selves. We can never do that, but we can develop a new, better self. A more knowledgeable self. A more loving and kind self. I hope we can do that.

Anyway, those are my jumbled thoughts. This was a super long post, so if you made it this far, you are a true friend.