Belonging

My great friend from many, many Latin classes, Rachel, invited me to be part of a blog chain. The theme is "Belonging" and everyone writes some thoughts or stories on the topic on their own blog and then link it to the next person. You can read Rachel's excellent post here at collinandrachel.blogspot.com. From her blog, you can link to the past bloggers who started the chain. It's been surprisingly nerve-wracking to be part of this blog chain, of sorts. I usually write here for my own remembrances and for my family and close friends. So please excuse anything that doesn't flow or that feels a little too maudlin.

In college, I was pulled between Comparative Literature and Harp. I never quite felt like I belonged in the music building. I always took this as a sign that music was just for fun and literature was where I was really meant to be. Looking back, I wonder if this was the truth, or if it was just my own construction of reality. I had never planned on majoring in music, so when the opportunity presented itself, I had a hard time imaging that I belonged with everyone else who had had this goal for a very long time. I've mentioned several times on this blog how I just did not get orchestra and what a struggle it was for me. It wasn't a struggle skill-wise, it was a mental struggle (which resulted in me not practicing my orchestral parts, which then became a skill struggle when it came down to rehearsals and performances). I could not understand my music friends who looked forward to and got excited about the orchestra repertoire for the coming year. I never even thought to look up what we were playing next, I'd just wait until I got my folder and see what music they had stuck in there. So of course, I constantly felt like I didn't belong, like I was out of touch, or maybe out of tune with a lot of the music department.

The Comparative Lit department loved that I was a double major, that I was "interdisciplinary"and all that. I had always planned on a major in literature and when I walked the halls of the Humanities building, it felt right.  Did I belong just because it was something I had always planned on? Did I not feel like I belonged in the Music department because it had come to me as a surprise instead of being set in my five year plan?

After growing up, getting married, moving from Utah to Indiana, to Los Angeles, to Houston, and now finally to Las Vegas, I've had to adjust and fit in and belong in many places with many people. I've learned that some moves and some places don't suit me, but I also have learned to make friends, get to know the area, and work hard to belong. I don't feel torn between Music and Literature anymore, I feel happy being a mom with most of my time and getting side perks like getting to play my harp at the Venetian next week for a performance of Zelda (details coming soon!!). Taking an overview of myself, I don't think I struggle so much with belonging anymore because I belong to myself. In the past, feelings of not belonging have mostly been my own projections of my own insecurities. I've come into myself a little more now, and for the most part I like who I am and who I've become. I belong to me and I don't feel embarrassed or inferior to others, or even the need to compare. There are occasional circumstances where I feel shy or out of place, but I can stand back and look at the situation a little more objectively and parse out why something feels uncomfortable without taking it as personally. My life is so full of me (that sounds a little big-headed) that there's not room for not belonging.

I asked my fellow music major friend Liz to continue the blog chain for me. She plays the double bass and is pretty awesome at it, but she dabbles in everything creative. She's a crafting queen, paints, writes, makes violins as a luthier, and is a mom to two little boys. You can read her thoughts at lizlambson.com.